Post by GTownWarHawks on Oct 29, 2004 11:40:58 GMT -5
By Paul Katcher
Special to Page 3
As long Albert Belle isn't chasing you down in a truck for egging his house, Halloween can be a blast for sports nuts.
Poor guy has had his fill of surprises this October. More treats, less tricks, please.In what's generally regarded as sports' greatest month, we can take the thrills and excitement right up to the very last night in October. Don't be Dr. Evil for the sixth year in a row. Get creative, don a mock turtleneck and be Dr. Evil Empire.
The opportunities are endless, and so we present a quickie guide to some sports-related costumes you can easily pull off and put the tired ghosts and pirates to shame at the annual dress-up contest:
George Steinbrenner
The Look: Leader of the Evil Empire
What You'll Need: Mock turtleneck and blazer, Darth Vader mask, enormous checkbook, Monopoly money falling out of pockets, copy of a Douglas MacArthur speech, hankie to wipe away tears, Bud Selig on a leash.
Leon From the Bud Commercials
The Look: Prima dona athlete
What You'll Need: No. 87 football jersey or No. 1 baseball jersey, cell phone, a "good" side, a habit of referring to oneself in the third-person, endorsement contracts, swagger.
Dick Vitale
The Look: Loud and proud college hoops junkie
What You'll Need: Bald headpiece, Duke shirt, megaphone, Robert Montgomery Knight's phone number, "I Love the ACC" pin, DiGiorno's pizza box, Hooters air stewardess (to whom you say, "But I'm a captain, baby!").
Ken Griffey, Jr.
The Look: Injury-plagued all-time great
What You'll Need: Something akin to the British dude who kept running into the Griswalds in "National Lampoon's European Vacation." Leg casts, shoulder harness, back and neck braces, Band-Aids, gauze, duct tape, No. 30 Reds jersey, copy of June 14, 2004, "Sports Illustrated" that read "Welcome Back" ... right before Griffey went on the DL again.
If you can't grow a 'fro, just find some oversized earmuffs.Oscar Gamble's 1975 Topps Card
The Look: Hair (very) apparent
What You'll Need: Retro Indians cap and jersey, a wig big enough to make Johnny Damon blush
Tommy Lee
The Look: Motley Crue and, yes, University of Nebraska band member
What You'll Need: A skinny frame, tattoos everywhere, red-and-white band uniform, snare drum, hand-held hot-dog-shooting cannon, perhaps a home-made video of parties with co-eds.
Serena Williams
The Look: Sexy swatter
What You'll Need: Hot body, tennis racket, skin-tight bodysuit, my phone number.
Pete Rose
The Look: Poorly coiffed, gamblin' singles hitter
What You'll Need: Bad wig or road kill for head, satin Reds jacket, gambling receipts, copies of "My Life Behind Bars" and "Daily Racing Form," unused Hall of Fame induction speech, bus ticket to Atlantic City.
Red Sox Batting Helmet
The Look: Dirty and sticky
What You'll Need: Dark blue shirt and pants, red "B" on chest, as much pine tar or general sticky substance as you can muster to make the letter barely visible and possibly attract flies.
NHL Player
The Look: Unemployed ice creature
What You'll Need: "Will Work for Food" sign, knocked-out teeth, hockey jersey and stick, photo of Gary Bettman with bulls-eye over face.
An exaggerated big head and a Sharpie are costume essentials.Terrell Owens
The Look: Braggadocios wide receiver
What You'll Need: Eagles No. 81 jersey, Sharpie pen, some sort of head piece about four feet in diameter (if it takes less than two people to get it through a door, it's too small), invitation from Ray Lewis to come over the middle in T.O.'s Oct. 31 (uh-oh) date with the Ravens.
Shaquille O'Neal
The Look: So-Be center
What You'll Need: No. 32 Heat jersey, stilts, shades, beach umbrella, VIP passes to every club in South Beach, models' phone numbers, key to city.
Jason Giambi
The Look: Sickly former AL MVP
What You'll Need: White powder to take color out of face, bat with holes in it, four years left on $120 million contract, vague note from doctor on why you can't play, pocket TV to watch the World Series.
Raiders Fan
The Look: Flat-out frightening freak
What You'll Need: Black and silver war paint, mask to hide identity from authorities, prison bracelet, a keg of beer (for yourself), disdain for John Elway, some sort of 19th-century weapon (or modern switchblade), excellent defense lawyer.
Newspaper Sports Section
The Look: Black and white and read all over
What You'll Need: Simple white get-up with scrawled headlines, plus tacked-on pics and props. Try a local paper and recount your teams' recent triumphs or miseries, or go with the general sports stories of the day: stick a needle in your arm, pin on a small bag or oregano, keep handy a blood-alcohol chart.
Tom Coughlin
The Look: Hard-ass NFL coach
What You'll Need: Giants cap, army fatigues, short temper, watch set five minutes fast, conditioning tapes by everyone from Jack LaLanne to Gilad.
BALCO Supplier
The Look: Performance-enhancer
What You'll Need: Lab coat, needles, creams, Rolodex filled with high-profile athletes, good lawyers.
Paul Katcher is a freelance
